May 2011
1 post
Unless ur into necrophilia too
One less POS for u to cheat on me with
April 2011
1 post
oh and chapstick
don’t ever wake me up for a wedding again unless we’re in vegas and u have coke
March 2011
1 post
Who dat is?
If the last 3 seperate times u txted me I say ‘who is this?’ it’s not bc I lost ur # genius
February 2011
1 post
and the unanimous winner is...
too bad they dont give an oscar for acting like a spoiled bitch
January 2011
13 posts
that's the sitch, bitch
if u need me I’ll be gettin situated w a dtf chick whose body is perfectly situated
Too.Much.Zaxbys
T.M.Z. just offered me $10,000 to burn all copies of your topless photos
my new girl is in HR
when i kickd u out i think i sprained my ankle. good thing u cant drop me from ur insurance till the end of the month
Check-out
Why don’t u check-in at the corner of Eat Shit & Die
Wild thing
I was tryin hard to be 2 and a half men, but being charlie sheen is was more fun
f*ck u and uh f*ck her too
i pitty the fool that falls in love with u
I wouldn't call her at all
I would call her a cunt but she lacks depth and warmth
Bravo!
I think I saw u on the real trailorwives of west virginia
Whoroscope
u used to be a Scorpio, now ure a slut
1-800-PMS-CUNT
now that I’m single, it’s like Vonage…no surprises at the end of the month
snow balls
I hope u miss the 8 inches I got
north facial
its snowing, hope ur whoring gear came from REI
2k11 is the year of the DOG
Just had a ‘moment’ with my future ex. Well, maybe 3 moments but who’s counting
December 2010
8 posts
127 minutes
xmas dinner w ur divorced parents had me contemplating self amputation
ex-mas presents
5 vodka cranberries isn’t too many. i hear cran juice is good for those UTIs u get
I said I would change, not stop hooking up with her. I don’t even buy her breakfast after
ho ho ho
santa knows u been naughty, or did u blow him 2?
OMG HSV
that last voicemail u left me is viral…kinda like that thing on ur lip
Home work
If the half ur age + 7 rule is too hard to figure out, just ask him to get his kid to explain it 2 u. Think he’s in algebra this year
You must be on that Miley Cyrus
U deserve a 2nd chance like millionaires deserve a tax cut
Cry, Cry Again
Teach u how to dougie? U can’t do the fucking chicken dance!
August 2010
1 post
Pop quiz
OK so after you squeezed out a couple of kids, would you compare it to a) A wizard’s sleeve. b) The Chunnel on a Tuesday afternoon. c) Andre the Giant’s favorite leotard. or d) All of the above, cut up and stitched together.
July 2010
6 posts
weigh too late
second chance? nah. weight watchers might give u 1.
let me get back 2 u
Your combacks are like my period… Late.
b4 the hills finale
i deserve to be blown first
hair of the dog plz
hangovers always suck. like u on a 1st date
can u hear me now?
Its real fucced up dat I get off better on ur phone sex than if I’m with u! U need to work on that!!
bugs, mold, leaky plumbing, door won't close,...
did you tell him about your downstairs problem?
about "ex" number of lbs.
u werent fat until i dumped u. i dont fuck fat chicks.
June 2010
7 posts
Where's the emergency exit?
Congrats, u won a bikini contest…be sure to include that on all future flight attendant applications
i know, right?
hooters called, they want their elegant art of conversation back
let me get u a wetnap
the secretary of my interior instituted a new drilling ban after your premature spill casualty polluted my gulf
bourdain's got that locked
new show to pitch to travel channel: I pick up hookers and rate brothels in foreign countries.
New export to south africa
Everyones bitching about the horns at the world cup. Pretty mild compared to your nonstop whining
Option #2 would have been worse
I’m in the br and I just pissed all over myself. HELP!!!!
May 2010
4 posts
buzz about ur bush
Locks of Love called bc they heard about ur pubic hair
Rocky road
Eat some icecream, adopt a black baby, and shutthefuckup
Quid pro quo
OK so I’m required by law to tell u Im a sex offender
weak sauce
seis de mayo - the day i celebrate liberation from ur taco
April 2010
11 posts
Changing one hundred!
Bitch if I wanted to play the penny slots I’d go to Vegas
madea goes number 2
ur full of shit. like tyler perry’s imdb full of shit
i can see new orleans!
about this much discharge
Revelations 4:20
Stopped smoking pot and turns out ur really boring and a terrible cook
take 2 orally and don't call me in the morning
all this tree jizz is making me sick. what’s your solution to sperm throat?
